Even the wrong words seem to raise.

It is a rough transition to go from having someone as your best friend/ boyfriend to someone who won’t reply to a simple text.

This leads to a great amount of frustration. I know I have said some not nice things to my ex, and for that I’am sorry. There is no excuse in the world to send such a horrific messaged to someone with the intent of hurting them. This is a result of trying so hard to make things right, and failing. At least that is how I feel. I’ll try to apologize, or be nice like try to return his clothes or something. Then my ex doesn’t acknowledge me, which caused the frustration. Then I lash out, which of course does not help the situation.

However, I’m human. I fuck up. A lot. So, I wish he could understand that. Maybe one day….

Until then I’ll be starting my new job/ working out, and working on better myself everyday.

Does it ever end?

Break ups never end. I still feel like I am in the middle of a break up even though I broke up with him weeks ago. There is still a lot of emotion bad, and good.

On Tuesday I decided I missed having a sex life while at a movie with my friend Aaron, so I decided to pull the ” i’m going to the bathroom” trick and left. My ex and I met up and had sex. I didn’t tell him that I ditched someone at the movies because I didn’t want him to think I was still all over him. Mostly because I am pretty much over him. I’m just not over not having a sex life. 😉 Jk. I don’t think I ever want to share my body with anyone. Too scary considering they could end up being an ass and fuck up your head for a block of time. It’s scary that I let one person control my mind so much.

Anyways, I told a friend that I ditched a guy to fuck my ex. She decided to later contact my ex and chew him out for being a bad influence. He didn’t even know that I ditched a guy to have sex with him. *sigh Long story short a lot of drama blossomed from that unfortunately. The girl I thought I was friends with for 12 years posted a status about hating me on Facebook. Glad I’m Facebook officially hated. Not. So, instead of just you know loosing my ex boyfriend I lost my friend of 12 years.

Fortunately my friend Tyler has been there for me through all of this. When I told him about the recent drama he just reminded me of how we talked about the whole concept of just not caring. And honestly. I don’t care. I don’t care that my old best friend hates me. I don’t care that my ex and I broke up. I believe it is all meant to be, and I’m a lot happier with not caring. This is not how I would have planned for things to happen, but it is what is it. I cannot control everything, but I can control my behavior.

All I can do is focus on the good healthy friendships I have, and focus on all the other good in the world. There is a lot of it. 🙂

(I’m happy to say I haven’t smoked for a week, and I’ve been working on daily. )

Forgetful

I honestly just forgot that I made a blog. Whoops.

Things have been kinda rough lately, so I have been thinking about an outlet and then I remembered I have a blog. XD

I recently have gone back to self harming, and now I’m kind of in to weed.

I had gone months and months without hurting myself, but the last few weeks have just been overwhelming. I started smoking weed months ago, and lately I have gotten more in to it. I like how it solves all my problems for it. Weed and cutting let me relax, which is something I’m not good at. At all.

School has been a huge influence on my mood. It adds so much stress, as I feel like I have to make everybody else happy with my grades. The pressure ends up being too much, so I give up and then drop my classes. I dropped my sociology class today, which was a scary thing to do. The last thing I want to do is disappoint anyone.. myself included. However, as a person right now I can barely handle anything in my mental state and something needed to be done before I become more of a mess. As soon as I pushed the button that says drop class I felt a huge relief. So, I think things will be better now in the school part of my life.

Everything else is going decently. My situation at home seems to be a lot better, as I’m not spending as much time at home. Most of my time is spend with my boyfriend, Trevor. I think my time with him needs to be cut cuz I’m so dependent on the kid. The second I’m not with him or he takes a while to reply I start feeling anxious. My friend persuaded me to dump him, and that was the worst decision of my life. She did it cuz she wanted in my pants. lol. Fortunately I got my man back. 😉 It really fucked things up breaking up with him, but things are continuing to get better with him. I was such a wreck when I broke up with him. I cried so much for myself, and then I felt really bad for doing that to him.

He deserves the best, and that night I totally felt as though he deserved better than me. He always tries his best to be there for me, and I could just go on and on about how great he is. I’m obsessed with him. Like everything about him is perfect. His looks are like model status, great work ethic, great at sex ( most important jk), and the list never ends of reasons why he is so great. So, that being said I’m glad he is still mine, and he shall be forever.

So, that is that. The update on my crazy/weird life.

Pranksters

My boyfriend helped me study for a test. How sweet of him,right? However, on the back of one of my flash cards about the black hawk war he wrote something about a guy blowing up planets. I think that’s what it was. Ha.

After the test I told him it went well, and that I felt I explained how native Americans were blowing up native Americans very well. He was stunned. After a few minutes passed he said he wrote it as a joke on my flash card, and thought I would have picked up on it.

I’ve been saying I’m going to fail the test now, and my friend helped me harassed him about it some more. I even wrote a status on Facebook complaining about what he did.

Truth is I knew it was a joke this entire time. I find it hilarious he thinks I’m that stupid. He even told a friend about how retarted I am. Lol.

So, it is time for him to know I’m not really that stupid. I just messaged him saying so, I haven’t been completely honest with you. Now I just wait a while, and let him suffer then I’ll tell him I didn’t really screw up my test.

Yes, I know. I’m a bitch. Ha.

Withdrawals

I’m having withdrawals. Not from cutting. Not from alcohol or drugs, but my boyfriend. We spent the majority of the weekend together, and now he probably won’t be at my side for a couple of days.

We spent the weekend making weird horse videos (I’m a horse named vagabond..lol), geocaching, and just relaxing in my room. Twas a very nice weekend after an insane week of school.

Now it is finals week at my high school, and I have a test at my college. It is gonna be one heck of a week. So, who knows when I’ll see Trevor next.

I feel so awkward when he isn’t around. Nobody to talk to, or jump on. The list just goes on and on and on. What makes it even worse is going to school and seeing other couples holding hands and kissing.

Wanting to cut has been something that I have definitely struggles with. However, not having my boyfriend around is more difficult. It is the only thing I can think about, and its driving me crazy not being with him.

Seattle

So, I kinda sorta have been horrible about writing on here lately. Uhhh. Whoops?love does funny things to you. It makes you not be able to focus on anything, and your daily routine becomes shattered. Now my routine consist of me thinking about how amazing my boyfriend Trevor is every second of the day.

Him and I have lasted a whole three weeks. Craziness! Every second of it has been pure joy. Even when we ran off to Seattle after I had an argument with my mom. Pretty sure Seattle was one of the best moments of our relationship so far.

I loved that I was able to lean on him after an intense fight with my mom. Also, he was willing to run off with me to Seattle. After spending some relaxing time with him I was at peace with myself and my mom again.

It is so nice to have someone that helps me finally have peace with myself. Someone to tell me how great I am 24/7. It fills the missing holes I have had in other relationships such as family members etc.

My life feels complete now. I’m happy with him, which makes me happy with myself.

Love life

Last weekend I called my friend complaining how I didn’t have a boyfriend. She gave me a number. I’ve been texting that number non stop. I haven’t felt so happy and energetic for a really long time. I could conquer the world right now. Ok, Maybe not, but I feel like it!

Tomorrow I’m probably going to meet this guy. Hopefully it will go as good as our text messages. Full of laughter and support. Fingers crossed!

Bragging rights

I’m a drama queen, and I’ll admit it.

I’m not the only drama queen though. It disturbed every nerve in my body when somebody judges my relationship with soneone.

There is a new girl at my church that has been there since about June.  We became friends during a mission trip. I told her how so and so is my next. The following day she became friends with my ex, and felt the need to brag about it. Since that say she hasn’t stopped bragging about how her relationship with him is better.

First of all she has only been at church for a few months. She isn’t very educated on my relationship with me ex. He is always there for me no matter what. Yeah, we don’t talk to much because it results it drama. However, are relationship is very healthy at the moment, and we support one another from a distance. My relationship with him is not non existent. Him and I have been through a lot together, and nobody is going to change my relationship with him.

That being said she has no right to brag about how she talks to him more. Just because she talks to him more does not mean she means more to him than me. So, I dream of the day she calms down and focuses on her boyfriend and not my relationship with my ex.

Yeah, I’m jealous they talk all the time. Her bragging about it has caused me to be a little bitchy. At the end of the day though she’s done more harm than me. She runs to my ex telling him all the horrible things I’ve done, which she changes the stories so she’s innocent. My ex could care less about who did what and her opinions of me aren’t gonna change his.

I’m just so tired of her, and wish she never came to my church. Life would be so much better without her and her ugly eyebrows. And I wouldn’t have to listen to unnecessary bragging. The girl needs more confidence if she finds is amusing to attempt to make me jealous. Dumb ass…

 

( please excuse errors, as i typed this on my phone)