” May you feel safe. May you feel strong. May you feel content. May you feel at ease”
Last week during yoga my teacher told us to pick someone who we wanted to dedicated the above quote towards. I chose my brother because prior to coming to yoga we got in a pretty heated argument. He did something that hurt my feelings, and then I over reacted. I left to yoga class after telling my brother I was not going to talk to him for a week. So, feeling guilty i dedicated the quote to my brother.
Now this coming week the quote has stuck with me. It just keeps running through my head. I think it is because this quote summarizes my break up.
Now many would be very quick to argue that I do not feel this way towards Trevor. ( I’m just going to call him by his name because EX has such a bad stigma attached to it. :P) I have done a lot of not so cool things, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I know that if someone did these things to me I would never wish to speak to them again, so I get that he wants to be left alone. It is important to me that he feels respected, and sadly I haven’t really been following my own personal values due to so much emotion.
I feel like break ups involve so much anger. so much anger. Too much to be able to wrap your head around it. I feel like there are all these puzzle pieces that are just waiting to be put together, but just aren’t able to unless you give them time. ya know? Both people want this puzzle to be solved. However, everyone starts to solve a puzzle in a different way, and I think that is where the drama comes in. The other person gets frustrated because they aren’t wanting to approach solving the puzzle in the same way.
I know I personally get frustrated when the other person isn’t wanting to solve it the same way. Trevor likes to have some space, and I’m all for that. However, I would like there to be some peace and then space, and he is the exact opposite. And my logical mind respects that. One of my weaknesses is I’m a massive control freak. I feel the need to be in control of the situation. So, when Trevor goes off and tries to ignore I panic, and do something stupid so I can get control back. This just makes everything 1000xxxxxxxx worse. Right?
So, I think it is important for me to keep working on using the more logical side of my brain. Because the logical side of my brain is able to benefit from the quote my yoga teacher sad. My actions are because I want Trevor to feel safe, strong, content, and at ease. I want to be able to help him with the stress that life brings him, as it is a hard transition going from caring for someone as hard as you can for 9 months to not at all. I feel like a parent that just sent their child off to college, and wants to know everything that is going on with them. I cannot control the situation as much as I would like to try to, and so it is time to let myself be vulnerable to the emotions that come along with just letting someone go.
Trevor isn’t going to be able to feel safe, strong, content, and at ease with a crazy ex trying to run his life still. And it is time to be to accept that because I want nothing more than that. As painful as it is to not be the one to be there for him I know he want will finally be able to be at ease without me. Some days with be hard for him. Some days will be hard for me. It isn’t like we don’t care about one another.. we just gotta do it at a distance. at least for a good length of time. just gotta trust that it will all work out, and let it go.
so, Trevor. as my yoga teacher says “May you feel safe. May you feel strong. May you feel content. May you feel at ease” . I know things are pretty rough right now, and I know I played a huge part in that. I wish I could go back in time and change my actions, so you did not have to say I played a part in causing you to feel this hopeless. All I wanted was for you to always feel hopeful, but I simply just did not know how to do so. I’ve always told you that I’m here and just a phone call away. That will hold true forever. Not matter what happens… even if we don’t talk to years. I simply wish you the best in everything that you do. Never give up, and know that everything is going to be ok even when everything is not ok. So, Goodbye it is for now, as goodbye equals peace.
ps. Thank-you for everything you taught me the last 9 months. You taught me what it is like to love someone. You taught me that no matter how big of a hole you create you can get out of it. You taught me what it means to be kind, and the consequences of be cruel. You taught me to love myself. ETC.