Once a cutter, always a cutter.

Once a cutter, always a cutter. And no, I don’t mean I’m going to grab the nearest sharpest item and dig away until there is a good enough amount of blood to put a smile on my face. Instead I’m just going to have the thought of cutting in the back of my head, and try to do whatever it takes to not slit the body. Yes, I want to. No, I don’t want to.

Cutting is bad. Cutting is unhealthy. Cutting only relieves pain temporarily. For these reasons we have all heard as a society with a bunch of “depressed” teens, and they’re pretty solid reasons. I as a some what practical human being am doing everything in my power to follow these reasons and personal morals. Cutting is bad. Cutting is unhealthy. Cutting only relieves pain temporarily.

So what is not bad? So what is not unhealthy? So what does reliever pain forever? Good listeners. Listeners are good. Productive conversations are healthy. And being told you are going to be okay gives hope that the pain will not be forever.

I am forever grateful to have a dear friend that most of the time is just a text message away. One second is all it takes for me to know it aint so bad, getting on the healthy track, and be reminded that the pain is temporary.

Going through a rape investigation is hell. Personal opinion here, but I believe that being the victim makes it all that much worse. The action is terrible, and have to re live it while telling the story over and over to those involved in the investigation makes it float in you brain more. Making is nearly impossible to not have the image of some guy forcing sex upon you to leave your daily thoughts and your dreams, well, more like nightmares. There are so many reminders too! Like uh, switching rooms, only being able to go to the cafeteria certain times, and then having to change around my class schedule. So fun telling my teacher why I must switch my schedule for the day without using the word “rape”, I fucking hate that word.

Now I’m not expecting people to understand my hate for the word “rape”. Nor am I expecting people to understand my opinion of all this. I feel like I have the rare opinion of believing God will take care of this, and not wanting anything to go with this investigation. I just want to tuck it away, and move on. ( yes, I’m following through with it all as the investigation will proceed with or without me. Might as well share my side, and not have to regret what I did not do) All I ask is that when I do bring up this sensitive topic ( when i mean sensitive I mean I physically struggle to say, ” I was raped.”) that you treat me as a human with feelings. The golden rule stands here, ” treat others the way you want to be treated.” When I open up myself to you about the event, please show some compassion. It adds a lot to my anxiety when I finally open up about something, and then am shut down. I  try so hard to open up, and it is in my best interest to be able to open up. Selfish, yeah, sure. We are all going through shit, but it isn’t that hard to simple say, ” I understand, you are going to be okay….etc”. Anything along those lines… please, I beg.

So, enough annoying begging. Moral is I’m going through a lot right now, and support is everything to me. It is what keeps me going. A little re assurance goes a long ways. A little kindness sure does start a chain reaction, and for that I am forever grateful. I am forever grateful for everyone who has helped me through this so far. I am forever grateful for those who have gone with me to meetings. I am forever grateful for those who pick up there phones when I’m balling my eyes out. I am forever grateful for those who given me the strength not grab that razor and watch myself bleed.

I can do this. I am strong. I am capable. But this is a whole lot easier with a little help from those I love.





It is so exhausting living in a world with so much, and being such a sensitive person. This is why it is easier to be a jerk, liar, etc. No matter what you do the world is always gonna be a hot mess. If you just don’t accept your feelings, then everything is a smooth ride. That’s not the way it should be. The world should be a beautiful place to be, as there are so many wonderful things about it. However, we all fuck it up because we all have emotions. Good ones and bad ones. We all act like jerks and liars to cover things up that are bothering us. I feel like such an inconvenience when it comes to feeling shitty. Everyone has shit going on in their lives, and it isn’t there job to make me feel good about myself. When alone I feel good about myself, and happy. It isn’t even that I think of myself as a worthless person. I just care more about others that I do myself.

And I don’t want the world to see me

By Goo Goo Dolls
And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

One of those days when music is the only way I can express my feelings. Been listening to this on repeat.  I’m not capable of completing “I feel” statements. At this point I can relate to the part of this song that says, ” and I don’t want the world to see me because I don’t think that they’d understand.” I’ve been avoiding interacting with people all day especially when it comes to things that trigger my emotions. For example doing to the cafeteria etc, sitting with a bunch of people is just too much for me to handle at this point in time. Laying bed is all I want to do, but I know that is not going to help the situation. Been trying my best to get through the day, and it takes everything inside of me not to just cry. Riding my horse helps a lot, and talking to one person helps. Everything else just stresses me out more, and makes me want to turn to smoking and drinking, well I don’t know actually. I don’t know how I feel about anything. I’m just numb, and feel like the majority of society doesn’t get it. So, it is easier not to talk to people. It doesn’t help me. It doesn’t help them. It just stresses people out, and that is the last thing I want to do. So, I’m just going to keep things to myself until this funk ends. It will end. God only knows when though,

Textbook for Life

There are so many textbooks in this world. We have textbooks for math, science, English, history, and you name it. Why has nobody made me a textbook on how to life my life yet? When I need direction I could just pop that sucker open, and know what to do. It stresses me out a lot when I cannot make a decision about something. This leads to just drinking, which leads to me being hung over. Yay for not eating all day! I admit this is not a good thing at all. I do not know how to fix this issue, so that scares the hell out of me. I feel sometimes like one time I’m not going to lucky and the alcohol is going to kill me. Buh bye love ones, good bye dream, etc. Fortunately I have had a guardian angel looking out for me, but sooner or later something will happen if things continue this way. I’m just kind of in a funk.. the kind where you just want to shrug and not care. I do care though, and that is what confuses me. I have dreams. Dreams of being a horse trainer. Dreams of marrying the guy I love. Dreams of being the best person I can be. I just need to create a textbook for myself I suppose, so I can achieve these goals. Just need to come up with some guidelines to help me succeed.

Lovers to Friends

” I can’t be with the one I’m truly in love with because he’s an asshole, and I deserve better.” – me to my mother

I can’t be with the one I’m truly in love with.

That part of my sentence is true, so true.

Why can’t I be with him? It certainly is not because he’s an ass, sure he has been at points. We both have. For us it is just better that we are not together. We are better as friends. Best friends even perhaps. It is heartbreaking at times when I hang out with him, and I look at him and just want to kiss him. It happens, a lot. However, we aren’t together, so I don’t. It is awkward to go from dating to friends. You have to re learn how to have a relationship with that individual. It isn’t like you just stop having romantic feelings for someone. There isn’t a switch you can turn off, I wish there was, or maybe I don’t. Whatever happens, happens. I just want us to be happy.

I’m truly in love.

That part of my sentence is real, so real.

How can one not be in love with someone was there for you in your hardest times? My senior year of high school my Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. Great way to start of the school year, right? Yeah, no. Things were hard on my whole family, and things just felt like they were spiraling out of control. I didn’t understand why God had decided that my Father had to have cancer. It was just awful while it lasted. I ended up meeting Trevor when treatment was wrapping up with my Dad, and he helped me learn what it was like to have faith in the world again after that. Since everything had been shaken… I felt like I lost some stability in my life. Trevor became that stable rock in my life. He continued to be that stable life for me when other stresses of the world got to me. So, with everything he has done for me considered it is hard not to have some kind of love for him.

He’s an asshole.

That part of by sentence, ha.

I think I bring that side out of him. ;) I mean who wouldn’t be an asshole to someone who ended up in the mental hospital and blamed it on them? Shitty shitty week… very shitty. Yet, he still talks to me, which I’m grateful for.

I deserve better.

We both deserve better.

We both deserve a happy, caring, safe, and fun relationship.

“Love me like you do, touch me like you do.”

I’ve been listening to the song Love me like you do by Ellie Goulding for the last few days non-stop. My poor roommate. Basically summarizes how I feel though.

“Only you can set my heart on fire.” That’s basically how I feel, which totally sucks. Like I don’t get why the person I feel this ways towards must the be person that I will never be with for the sake of my sanity. I guess love just kind of drives one insane. Obviously. The mental hospital proves that.

I feel as though there is no consitency with love, at least this love. For the longest time things will be great, and then it just disappears as if it was never there. I kind of just tolerate it because I know things will be better again. Thank God I tolerate it now, or i’d have more self harm scars all over my arms. In the song she sings ” so, what are you waiting for?.” I know the second I get back home this person is going to want sex. That’s how it is. So, why wait to treat me decently until I return? It makes absolutely no sense what so ever. Well, it does I guess if you don’t give a shit about the persons feelings.

However, this is also the same person that reminds me from time to time about how much they love me etc. It just makes me head hurt like hell, and gives me whip lash. Like I said before no consistency and I’m someone that needs that in their life. All these thoughts just make me dead to the bone. I couldn’t be happier for the most part, but then when I lay down in bed at night and my mind is clear sometimes I just want to cry out of frustration. Mostly because there is nothing I can do to change the situation. Unfortunately I get to play the vulnerable one.

So, until this problem gets solved or I just get better and not giving a fuck i’ll be listening to the song “love me like you do” and thinking about the “good” old days.

11 days!

I board the plane for Iowa to being college life in only eleven days! It’s so crazy to think about. I have lived in Washington my entire life. My everything is here…. all specials places… church, schools, etc… all of my friends…and the family that I am the closest too. I don’t know any different. There are so many things I feel like I need to do before I can leave! Got to finish packing first of all, but more importantly I have to say see you later to people. Gotta say see ya to my priest, best friends, and my one of a kind ex. And I got to do so without shedding a tear. ;) While it is kinda sad it is also so freaking exciting. Packing everything up  makes me so excited, as I’m looking forward to the new beginning. Nobody knows me, so it is a clean fresh start. I think I’m in a state of mind now that I will be able to make Iowa a very positive experience and will be able to show the side of me that I am proud of to everyone.

Shake IT Off

“And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart”

My heart has been the furthest from graceless. Grace means elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action. I want to feel like my hear has been beautifully formed. I know that his has been. I trust in that. I trust in the process of life. So, now, what are the steps to feeling like my heart has been beautifully formed?

I believe the most important step is said in the last line of the quote above. “So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart”. What exactly is it? For me… it: having a graceless heart when it comes to dealing with Trevor. I’ve been trying so hard, but it is time to just quit him cold turkey. I can’t handle having any part of him around me. Wether that is me being silly and trying to interact with him, or still having the cards from him on my wall. It is time to gracefully accept what is, and restart.

Restarting is difficult, but certainly not impossible. I have already restarted in the way I do my daily routine. I workout, eat better, and hangout with good friends. Now it is time to restart how I communicate with Trevor, and by that I mean it is to not talk to him. I feel like my best way to accomplish this goal is to not speak of him, as that brings out too many emotions and digs me into a place of frustration. So, I’m gonna restart, and cut it out. Maybe my acting class will pay off. Time to act like I never met him. Not forget, as he was a huge influence on my life, but just act like I never met him. For the time being. My first goal is to not bring up Trevor and to not contact him for a month. It takes about a month to start a new habit, so I believe if I can make it a month I  make it forever. It is time to cut out my behavior, and picking tonight to restart will help me do so.

So, I shall now accomplish these goals by pushing the restart button in my mind, which will allow my hear to be graceful.

Finding Peace

” May you feel safe. May you feel strong. May you feel content. May you feel at ease”

Last week during yoga my teacher told us to pick someone who we wanted to dedicated the above quote towards. I chose my brother because prior to coming to yoga we got in a pretty heated argument. He did something that hurt my feelings, and then I over reacted. I left to yoga class after telling my brother I was not going to talk to him for a week. So, feeling guilty i dedicated the quote to my brother.

Now this coming week the quote has stuck with me. It just keeps running through my head. I think it is because this quote summarizes my break up.

Now many would be very quick to argue that I do not feel this way towards Trevor. ( I’m just going to call him by his name because EX has such a bad stigma attached to it. :P) I have done a lot of not so cool things, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I know that if someone did these things to me I would never wish to speak to them again, so I get that he wants to be left alone. It is important to me that he feels respected, and sadly I haven’t really been following my own personal values due to so much emotion.

I feel like break ups involve so much anger. so much anger. Too much to be able to wrap your head around it. I feel like there are all these puzzle pieces that are just waiting to be put together, but just aren’t able to unless you give them time. ya know? Both people want this puzzle to be solved. However, everyone starts to solve a puzzle in a different way, and I think that is where the drama comes in. The other person gets frustrated because they aren’t wanting to approach solving the puzzle in the same way.

I know I personally get frustrated when the other person isn’t wanting to solve it the same way. Trevor likes to have some space, and I’m all for that. However, I would like there to be some peace and then space, and he is the exact opposite. And my logical mind respects that. One of my weaknesses is I’m a massive control freak. I feel the need to be in control of the situation. So, when Trevor goes off and tries to ignore I panic, and do something stupid so I can get control back. This just makes everything 1000xxxxxxxx worse. Right?

So, I think it is important for me to keep working on using the more logical side of my brain. Because the logical side of my brain is able to benefit from the quote my yoga teacher sad. My actions are because I want Trevor to feel safe, strong, content, and at ease. I want to be able to help him with the stress that life brings him, as it is a hard transition going from caring for someone as hard as you can for 9 months to not at all. I feel like a parent that just sent their child off to college, and wants to know everything that is going on with them. I cannot control the situation as much as I would like to try to, and so it is time to let myself be vulnerable to the emotions that come along with just letting someone go.

Trevor isn’t going to be able to feel safe, strong, content, and at ease with a crazy ex trying to run his life still. And it is time to be to accept that because I want nothing more than that. As painful as it is to not be the one to be there for him I know he want will finally be able to be at ease without me. Some days with be hard for him. Some days will be hard for me. It isn’t like we don’t care about one another.. we just gotta do it at a distance. at least for a good length of time. just gotta trust that it will all work out, and let it go.

so, Trevor. as my yoga teacher says “May you feel safe. May you feel strong. May you feel content. May you feel at ease” . I know things are pretty rough right now, and I know I played a huge part in that. I wish I could go back in time and change my actions, so you did not have to say I played a part in causing you to feel this hopeless. All I wanted was for you to always feel hopeful, but I simply just did not know how to do so. I’ve always told you that I’m here and just a phone call away. That will hold true forever. Not matter what happens… even if we don’t talk to years. I simply wish you the best in everything that you do. Never give up, and know that everything is going to be ok even when everything is not ok. So, Goodbye it is for now, as goodbye equals peace.

ps. Thank-you for everything you taught me the last 9 months. You taught me what it is like to love someone. You taught me that no matter how big of a hole you create you can get out of it. You taught me what it means to be kind, and the consequences of be cruel. You taught me to love myself. ETC.

Even the wrong words seem to raise.

It is a rough transition to go from having someone as your best friend/ boyfriend to someone who won’t reply to a simple text.

This leads to a great amount of frustration. I know I have said some not nice things to my ex, and for that I’am sorry. There is no excuse in the world to send such a horrific messaged to someone with the intent of hurting them. This is a result of trying so hard to make things right, and failing. At least that is how I feel. I’ll try to apologize, or be nice like try to return his clothes or something. Then my ex doesn’t acknowledge me, which caused the frustration. Then I lash out, which of course does not help the situation.

However, I’m human. I fuck up. A lot. So, I wish he could understand that. Maybe one day….

Until then I’ll be starting my new job/ working out, and working on better myself everyday.