Lovers to Friends

” I can’t be with the one I’m truly in love with because he’s an asshole, and I deserve better.” – me to my mother

I can’t be with the one I’m truly in love with.

That part of my sentence is true, so true.

Why can’t I be with him? It certainly is not because he’s an ass, sure he has been at points. We both have. For us it is just better that we are not together. We are better as friends. Best friends even perhaps. It is heartbreaking at times when I hang out with him, and I look at him and just want to kiss him. It happens, a lot. However, we aren’t together, so I don’t. It is awkward to go from dating to friends. You have to re learn how to have a relationship with that individual. It isn’t like you just stop having romantic feelings for someone. There isn’t a switch you can turn off, I wish there was, or maybe I don’t. Whatever happens, happens. I just want us to be happy.

I’m truly in love.

That part of my sentence is real, so real.

How can one not be in love with someone was there for you in your hardest times? My senior year of high school my Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. Great way to start of the school year, right? Yeah, no. Things were hard on my whole family, and things just felt like they were spiraling out of control. I didn’t understand why God had decided that my Father had to have cancer. It was just awful while it lasted. I ended up meeting Trevor when treatment was wrapping up with my Dad, and he helped me learn what it was like to have faith in the world again after that. Since everything had been shaken… I felt like I lost some stability in my life. Trevor became that stable rock in my life. He continued to be that stable life for me when other stresses of the world got to me. So, with everything he has done for me considered it is hard not to have some kind of love for him.

He’s an asshole.

That part of by sentence, ha.

I think I bring that side out of him. ;) I mean who wouldn’t be an asshole to someone who ended up in the mental hospital and blamed it on them? Shitty shitty week… very shitty. Yet, he still talks to me, which I’m grateful for.

I deserve better.

We both deserve better.

We both deserve a happy, caring, safe, and fun relationship.

“Love me like you do, touch me like you do.”

I’ve been listening to the song Love me like you do by Ellie Goulding for the last few days non-stop. My poor roommate. Basically summarizes how I feel though.

“Only you can set my heart on fire.” That’s basically how I feel, which totally sucks. Like I don’t get why the person I feel this ways towards must the be person that I will never be with for the sake of my sanity. I guess love just kind of drives one insane. Obviously. The mental hospital proves that.

I feel as though there is no consitency with love, at least this love. For the longest time things will be great, and then it just disappears as if it was never there. I kind of just tolerate it because I know things will be better again. Thank God I tolerate it now, or i’d have more self harm scars all over my arms. In the song she sings ” so, what are you waiting for?.” I know the second I get back home this person is going to want sex. That’s how it is. So, why wait to treat me decently until I return? It makes absolutely no sense what so ever. Well, it does I guess if you don’t give a shit about the persons feelings.

However, this is also the same person that reminds me from time to time about how much they love me etc. It just makes me head hurt like hell, and gives me whip lash. Like I said before no consistency and I’m someone that needs that in their life. All these thoughts just make me dead to the bone. I couldn’t be happier for the most part, but then when I lay down in bed at night and my mind is clear sometimes I just want to cry out of frustration. Mostly because there is nothing I can do to change the situation. Unfortunately I get to play the vulnerable one.

So, until this problem gets solved or I just get better and not giving a fuck i’ll be listening to the song “love me like you do” and thinking about the “good” old days.

11 days!

I board the plane for Iowa to being college life in only eleven days! It’s so crazy to think about. I have lived in Washington my entire life. My everything is here…. all specials places… church, schools, etc… all of my friends…and the family that I am the closest too. I don’t know any different. There are so many things I feel like I need to do before I can leave! Got to finish packing first of all, but more importantly I have to say see you later to people. Gotta say see ya to my priest, best friends, and my one of a kind ex. And I got to do so without shedding a tear. ;) While it is kinda sad it is also so freaking exciting. Packing everything up  makes me so excited, as I’m looking forward to the new beginning. Nobody knows me, so it is a clean fresh start. I think I’m in a state of mind now that I will be able to make Iowa a very positive experience and will be able to show the side of me that I am proud of to everyone.

Shake IT Off

“And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart”

My heart has been the furthest from graceless. Grace means elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action. I want to feel like my hear has been beautifully formed. I know that his has been. I trust in that. I trust in the process of life. So, now, what are the steps to feeling like my heart has been beautifully formed?

I believe the most important step is said in the last line of the quote above. “So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart”. What exactly is it? For me… it: having a graceless heart when it comes to dealing with Trevor. I’ve been trying so hard, but it is time to just quit him cold turkey. I can’t handle having any part of him around me. Wether that is me being silly and trying to interact with him, or still having the cards from him on my wall. It is time to gracefully accept what is, and restart.

Restarting is difficult, but certainly not impossible. I have already restarted in the way I do my daily routine. I workout, eat better, and hangout with good friends. Now it is time to restart how I communicate with Trevor, and by that I mean it is to not talk to him. I feel like my best way to accomplish this goal is to not speak of him, as that brings out too many emotions and digs me into a place of frustration. So, I’m gonna restart, and cut it out. Maybe my acting class will pay off. Time to act like I never met him. Not forget, as he was a huge influence on my life, but just act like I never met him. For the time being. My first goal is to not bring up Trevor and to not contact him for a month. It takes about a month to start a new habit, so I believe if I can make it a month I  make it forever. It is time to cut out my behavior, and picking tonight to restart will help me do so.

So, I shall now accomplish these goals by pushing the restart button in my mind, which will allow my hear to be graceful.

Finding Peace

” May you feel safe. May you feel strong. May you feel content. May you feel at ease”

Last week during yoga my teacher told us to pick someone who we wanted to dedicated the above quote towards. I chose my brother because prior to coming to yoga we got in a pretty heated argument. He did something that hurt my feelings, and then I over reacted. I left to yoga class after telling my brother I was not going to talk to him for a week. So, feeling guilty i dedicated the quote to my brother.

Now this coming week the quote has stuck with me. It just keeps running through my head. I think it is because this quote summarizes my break up.

Now many would be very quick to argue that I do not feel this way towards Trevor. ( I’m just going to call him by his name because EX has such a bad stigma attached to it. :P) I have done a lot of not so cool things, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I know that if someone did these things to me I would never wish to speak to them again, so I get that he wants to be left alone. It is important to me that he feels respected, and sadly I haven’t really been following my own personal values due to so much emotion.

I feel like break ups involve so much anger. so much anger. Too much to be able to wrap your head around it. I feel like there are all these puzzle pieces that are just waiting to be put together, but just aren’t able to unless you give them time. ya know? Both people want this puzzle to be solved. However, everyone starts to solve a puzzle in a different way, and I think that is where the drama comes in. The other person gets frustrated because they aren’t wanting to approach solving the puzzle in the same way.

I know I personally get frustrated when the other person isn’t wanting to solve it the same way. Trevor likes to have some space, and I’m all for that. However, I would like there to be some peace and then space, and he is the exact opposite. And my logical mind respects that. One of my weaknesses is I’m a massive control freak. I feel the need to be in control of the situation. So, when Trevor goes off and tries to ignore I panic, and do something stupid so I can get control back. This just makes everything 1000xxxxxxxx worse. Right?

So, I think it is important for me to keep working on using the more logical side of my brain. Because the logical side of my brain is able to benefit from the quote my yoga teacher sad. My actions are because I want Trevor to feel safe, strong, content, and at ease. I want to be able to help him with the stress that life brings him, as it is a hard transition going from caring for someone as hard as you can for 9 months to not at all. I feel like a parent that just sent their child off to college, and wants to know everything that is going on with them. I cannot control the situation as much as I would like to try to, and so it is time to let myself be vulnerable to the emotions that come along with just letting someone go.

Trevor isn’t going to be able to feel safe, strong, content, and at ease with a crazy ex trying to run his life still. And it is time to be to accept that because I want nothing more than that. As painful as it is to not be the one to be there for him I know he want will finally be able to be at ease without me. Some days with be hard for him. Some days will be hard for me. It isn’t like we don’t care about one another.. we just gotta do it at a distance. at least for a good length of time. just gotta trust that it will all work out, and let it go.

so, Trevor. as my yoga teacher says “May you feel safe. May you feel strong. May you feel content. May you feel at ease” . I know things are pretty rough right now, and I know I played a huge part in that. I wish I could go back in time and change my actions, so you did not have to say I played a part in causing you to feel this hopeless. All I wanted was for you to always feel hopeful, but I simply just did not know how to do so. I’ve always told you that I’m here and just a phone call away. That will hold true forever. Not matter what happens… even if we don’t talk to years. I simply wish you the best in everything that you do. Never give up, and know that everything is going to be ok even when everything is not ok. So, Goodbye it is for now, as goodbye equals peace.

ps. Thank-you for everything you taught me the last 9 months. You taught me what it is like to love someone. You taught me that no matter how big of a hole you create you can get out of it. You taught me what it means to be kind, and the consequences of be cruel. You taught me to love myself. ETC.

Even the wrong words seem to raise.

It is a rough transition to go from having someone as your best friend/ boyfriend to someone who won’t reply to a simple text.

This leads to a great amount of frustration. I know I have said some not nice things to my ex, and for that I’am sorry. There is no excuse in the world to send such a horrific messaged to someone with the intent of hurting them. This is a result of trying so hard to make things right, and failing. At least that is how I feel. I’ll try to apologize, or be nice like try to return his clothes or something. Then my ex doesn’t acknowledge me, which caused the frustration. Then I lash out, which of course does not help the situation.

However, I’m human. I fuck up. A lot. So, I wish he could understand that. Maybe one day….

Until then I’ll be starting my new job/ working out, and working on better myself everyday.

Does it ever end?

Break ups never end. I still feel like I am in the middle of a break up even though I broke up with him weeks ago. There is still a lot of emotion bad, and good.

On Tuesday I decided I missed having a sex life while at a movie with my friend Aaron, so I decided to pull the ” i’m going to the bathroom” trick and left. My ex and I met up and had sex. I didn’t tell him that I ditched someone at the movies because I didn’t want him to think I was still all over him. Mostly because I am pretty much over him. I’m just not over not having a sex life. ;) Jk. I don’t think I ever want to share my body with anyone. Too scary considering they could end up being an ass and fuck up your head for a block of time. It’s scary that I let one person control my mind so much.

Anyways, I told a friend that I ditched a guy to fuck my ex. She decided to later contact my ex and chew him out for being a bad influence. He didn’t even know that I ditched a guy to have sex with him. *sigh Long story short a lot of drama blossomed from that unfortunately. The girl I thought I was friends with for 12 years posted a status about hating me on Facebook. Glad I’m Facebook officially hated. Not. So, instead of just you know loosing my ex boyfriend I lost my friend of 12 years.

Fortunately my friend Tyler has been there for me through all of this. When I told him about the recent drama he just reminded me of how we talked about the whole concept of just not caring. And honestly. I don’t care. I don’t care that my old best friend hates me. I don’t care that my ex and I broke up. I believe it is all meant to be, and I’m a lot happier with not caring. This is not how I would have planned for things to happen, but it is what is it. I cannot control everything, but I can control my behavior.

All I can do is focus on the good healthy friendships I have, and focus on all the other good in the world. There is a lot of it. :)

(I’m happy to say I haven’t smoked for a week, and I’ve been working on daily. )

zombie mode to human mode

I still just do not know how to feel.

I’m kind of in zombie mode I guess. I just put aside my feelings as much as possible, and focus on what is happening around me. There are moments throughout the day thought that my zombie mode stops, and then my emotions are a little on the confusing side.

I wish people could understand that I still care about the well being of me ex, and do not want to hurt him on purpose. He has done a lot for me the last nine months, so for that I respect him. My feelings are kind of based off how he is feelings. If he doesn’t want to talk, then I learn to accept it and don’t talk. Whatever is the best for him will be the best for me in regards to our relationship… if there is even a relationship. While I was dating him I was always protective of him. If anyone talked poorly about him, I was quick to defend him. If anything was threatening to his emotional or psychical well being, I would try my best to be there for him. Through this break up I will still be protective over him no matter what is said or done. So, that being said it is frustrating when people talk shit about him to me, or want to confront him about our problems. I’d rather have people talk shit about me, as it is much harder to listen to people talk shit about him. He deserves the best, and I wish I was able to give that to him.

So, for the time being I can focus on being the best I can be. I’ve been trying to cope by attending yoga class, exercising at the local gym, and hanging out with friends. Music also helps a lot. Being in the hospital not once, but twice was a big wake up call when it comes to I need to take better care of myself, which sadly I needed. I received so much support and comfort from the staff. It was great, and I will never forget any of them. I’m scared to take of my bracelet they gave me because it just gives me comfort. Now it is time to let that experience make me a stronger person, so I’m doing what I can do. :)

I’m getting a little bit stronger.

This song could not explain how I feel right now any better.

Here is a copy of a text I sent to someone to explain what has been going on:

“Monday at like 2 am my ex and I got in a nasty fight over text. I freaked, and posted on Facebook I want to kill myself. Friend showed up at my house telling my parents. I wasn’t home so everyone went crazy. Finally I told ny mom were I was and I was fine by then. She made me go into the hospital to be evaluated. Then yesterday My mom shoved me so that was suckish, and then that my dad started pushing me around last night. I went into total panic he wouldn’t let me leave the room, so I called 911 said I was suicidal, so I could get away.”

I will always have a special place for him in my heart, and always be a phone call away. However, I’m moving on as it is the best for me. Weirdest feeling ever to move on….

Trigger has been pulled.

I feel like a gun.

First you load the gun.

Second you prepare to shoot it.

Then you pull the trigger.

More and more emotions have been loaded on to my soul.

Enough emotions that if something happens I’ll be a mess.

Well, something did happen. And now my trigger has been pulled.

Fortunately. I’m perfectly find with that. It felt good to let loose for a second, and now I’m A ok.