Once a cutter, always a cutter. And no, I don’t mean I’m going to grab the nearest sharpest item and dig away until there is a good enough amount of blood to put a smile on my face. Instead I’m just going to have the thought of cutting in the back of my head, and try to do whatever it takes to not slit the body. Yes, I want to. No, I don’t want to.
Cutting is bad. Cutting is unhealthy. Cutting only relieves pain temporarily. For these reasons we have all heard as a society with a bunch of “depressed” teens, and they’re pretty solid reasons. I as a some what practical human being am doing everything in my power to follow these reasons and personal morals. Cutting is bad. Cutting is unhealthy. Cutting only relieves pain temporarily.
So what is not bad? So what is not unhealthy? So what does reliever pain forever? Good listeners. Listeners are good. Productive conversations are healthy. And being told you are going to be okay gives hope that the pain will not be forever.
I am forever grateful to have a dear friend that most of the time is just a text message away. One second is all it takes for me to know it aint so bad, getting on the healthy track, and be reminded that the pain is temporary.
Going through a rape investigation is hell. Personal opinion here, but I believe that being the victim makes it all that much worse. The action is terrible, and have to re live it while telling the story over and over to those involved in the investigation makes it float in you brain more. Making is nearly impossible to not have the image of some guy forcing sex upon you to leave your daily thoughts and your dreams, well, more like nightmares. There are so many reminders too! Like uh, switching rooms, only being able to go to the cafeteria certain times, and then having to change around my class schedule. So fun telling my teacher why I must switch my schedule for the day without using the word “rape”, I fucking hate that word.
Now I’m not expecting people to understand my hate for the word “rape”. Nor am I expecting people to understand my opinion of all this. I feel like I have the rare opinion of believing God will take care of this, and not wanting anything to go with this investigation. I just want to tuck it away, and move on. ( yes, I’m following through with it all as the investigation will proceed with or without me. Might as well share my side, and not have to regret what I did not do) All I ask is that when I do bring up this sensitive topic ( when i mean sensitive I mean I physically struggle to say, ” I was raped.”) that you treat me as a human with feelings. The golden rule stands here, ” treat others the way you want to be treated.” When I open up myself to you about the event, please show some compassion. It adds a lot to my anxiety when I finally open up about something, and then am shut down. I try so hard to open up, and it is in my best interest to be able to open up. Selfish, yeah, sure. We are all going through shit, but it isn’t that hard to simple say, ” I understand, you are going to be okay….etc”. Anything along those lines… please, I beg.
So, enough annoying begging. Moral is I’m going through a lot right now, and support is everything to me. It is what keeps me going. A little re assurance goes a long ways. A little kindness sure does start a chain reaction, and for that I am forever grateful. I am forever grateful for everyone who has helped me through this so far. I am forever grateful for those who have gone with me to meetings. I am forever grateful for those who pick up there phones when I’m balling my eyes out. I am forever grateful for those who given me the strength not grab that razor and watch myself bleed.
I can do this. I am strong. I am capable. But this is a whole lot easier with a little help from those I love.