My boyfriend helped me study for a test. How sweet of him,right? However, on the back of one of my flash cards about the black hawk war he wrote something about a guy blowing up planets. I think that’s what it was. Ha.

After the test I told him it went well, and that I felt I explained how native Americans were blowing up native Americans very well. He was stunned. After a few minutes passed he said he wrote it as a joke on my flash card, and thought I would have picked up on it.

I’ve been saying I’m going to fail the test now, and my friend helped me harassed him about it some more. I even wrote a status on Facebook complaining about what he did.

Truth is I knew it was a joke this entire time. I find it hilarious he thinks I’m that stupid. He even told a friend about how retarted I am. Lol.

So, it is time for him to know I’m not really that stupid. I just messaged him saying so, I haven’t been completely honest with you. Now I just wait a while, and let him suffer then I’ll tell him I didn’t really screw up my test.

Yes, I know. I’m a bitch. Ha.


I swear I have the weirdest parents in the world. One day I can stay home alone with my boyfriend, and run away to Seattle. The next I’m not even allowed to hangout with him at my house.

Luckly they are normally pretty chill. My boyfriend has some pretty bad bruises etc on his neck from making out. Haha. My mom told me to just start giving them in places that he can hide them.

What kind of mom do I have!?!


I’m having withdrawals. Not from cutting. Not from alcohol or drugs, but my boyfriend. We spent the majority of the weekend together, and now he probably won’t be at my side for a couple of days.

We spent the weekend making weird horse videos (I’m a horse named, geocaching, and just relaxing in my room. Twas a very nice weekend after an insane week of school.

Now it is finals week at my high school, and I have a test at my college. It is gonna be one heck of a week. So, who knows when I’ll see Trevor next.

I feel so awkward when he isn’t around. Nobody to talk to, or jump on. The list just goes on and on and on. What makes it even worse is going to school and seeing other couples holding hands and kissing.

Wanting to cut has been something that I have definitely struggles with. However, not having my boyfriend around is more difficult. It is the only thing I can think about, and its driving me crazy not being with him.


So, I kinda sorta have been horrible about writing on here lately. Uhhh. Whoops?love does funny things to you. It makes you not be able to focus on anything, and your daily routine becomes shattered. Now my routine consist of me thinking about how amazing my boyfriend Trevor is every second of the day.

Him and I have lasted a whole three weeks. Craziness! Every second of it has been pure joy. Even when we ran off to Seattle after I had an argument with my mom. Pretty sure Seattle was one of the best moments of our relationship so far.

I loved that I was able to lean on him after an intense fight with my mom. Also, he was willing to run off with me to Seattle. After spending some relaxing time with him I was at peace with myself and my mom again.

It is so nice to have someone that helps me finally have peace with myself. Someone to tell me how great I am 24/7. It fills the missing holes I have had in other relationships such as family members etc.

My life feels complete now. I’m happy with him, which makes me happy with myself.

1st date

After hanging out with Trevor Thursday he asked me to go on a date. Without a doubt I happily answered yes. :)

Today we went in our date, and I’m happy I said yes to doing with him. We went bowling and out to eat. Plus enjoyed some quality time in my car. Wink. Wink. It was the best night I’ve had in a while.

A few weeks ago if you told me I was going to be happy again I would not have believed you. I’m glad to know what happiness is again. I actually feel loved for once no matter what. Not only because he tells me he loves me constantly, but because of his actions as well. No, he does not just show me he loves me by kissing me. Lol.

He carries my girly keys around with him.. something my dad refuses to do. Replies to my messages even while playing video games. Anything I ask him to do he does with a smile on his face.

I have had precious relationships that I though would workout, but this one seems different. Nothing he does upsets me. He is just perfect in every way to me. I’m just so happy to call him mine. :D

Love is in the air!

Love life

Last weekend I called my friend complaining how I didn’t have a boyfriend. She gave me a number. I’ve been texting that number non stop. I haven’t felt so happy and energetic for a really long time. I could conquer the world right now. Ok, Maybe not, but I feel like it!

Tomorrow I’m probably going to meet this guy. Hopefully it will go as good as our text messages. Full of laughter and support. Fingers crossed!


On Thursday I spent too many hours at Kaiser.

I had a successful therapy session with my parents. I believe we all felt a little better walking out of his office.

Afterwards my dad went to get blood taken, and I went with my mom over to see my doctor. My Mommy was teasing me about how funny It would be if I had to get blood drawn. Well, I did. The doctor is pretty sure My stomach hurts due to acid building up When I’m stressed. It is nothing medication don’t fix. However, since my stomach is so sensitive she wanted to have some blood work done. I also got two shots. Yay. Praying it is not anything too serious.

Dear God


Thank you for showing me Christ through other people. From people that just smile at me at the store to friends to loved ones. Especially thank you for my priest this past week. His time spent with me this week has been so valuable. It renews me, and makes me ready to fight what comes my way. I feel so loved after walking out if his office or after talking on the phone to him. Not only by him, but by you. For he reminds me of how wonderful you truly are.

I ask for your support in my upcoming challenges. Help me to collect my thoughts and share them with my therapist tomorrow. Let it help me heal especially in the places  where I have been craving healing.  Not only let the appointment be of great value for me, but for my parents. Allow them to let of some steam, and begin their own healing relationship. Then let there be some much needed peace in my home as a result of the appointment.

Not only do I ask for that, but I pray to you that my doctor appointment goes well. Let there be answers to my stomach pain and head aches.  

I need you Lord. You make my life worth living for.


Happy ending please?

Today has been one hell of a day.

Went to school. Got handed my horrible gpa of 2.3. Stress harms a lot of things. Too many.

Went and got my friend, so she could work for my mom. Turns out she told her ex bunch of personal shit about me. She denies all of it. I have always had a bad feeling about her, but now I know my long term friend isn’t really a friend.

The horrible stuff gets even worse.

My house is a freaking world zone. In a matter of fact my mom is crying in the bathtub while I write this. Due to my dad yelling at her. Breaks my heart.. a lot. I left my house for a bit tonight after just getting so fed up with all of the non sense today has brought. From drama with what I thought was a friend from fighting and yelling at home. I needed time to breath. I talked to my priest. That made me feel good while I was talking to him. As soon as the phone call ended all I could think of is suicide. Thinking about how nice it would be to drive my car into a pole, And just be done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

Also thanks to Facebook I’m kinda paranoid bi polar doesn’t exist, and in being attacked by demons. So paranoid. Ahhh.

I hate how I look. Fat.ugly. dislike my chin..face…stomach…thighs.. no wonder im single.

To top it all off my dad is on preventative chemo.