I still just do not know how to feel.
I’m kind of in zombie mode I guess. I just put aside my feelings as much as possible, and focus on what is happening around me. There are moments throughout the day thought that my zombie mode stops, and then my emotions are a little on the confusing side.
I wish people could understand that I still care about the well being of me ex, and do not want to hurt him on purpose. He has done a lot for me the last nine months, so for that I respect him. My feelings are kind of based off how he is feelings. If he doesn’t want to talk, then I learn to accept it and don’t talk. Whatever is the best for him will be the best for me in regards to our relationship… if there is even a relationship. While I was dating him I was always protective of him. If anyone talked poorly about him, I was quick to defend him. If anything was threatening to his emotional or psychical well being, I would try my best to be there for him. Through this break up I will still be protective over him no matter what is said or done. So, that being said it is frustrating when people talk shit about him to me, or want to confront him about our problems. I’d rather have people talk shit about me, as it is much harder to listen to people talk shit about him. He deserves the best, and I wish I was able to give that to him.
So, for the time being I can focus on being the best I can be. I’ve been trying to cope by attending yoga class, exercising at the local gym, and hanging out with friends. Music also helps a lot. Being in the hospital not once, but twice was a big wake up call when it comes to I need to take better care of myself, which sadly I needed. I received so much support and comfort from the staff. It was great, and I will never forget any of them. I’m scared to take of my bracelet they gave me because it just gives me comfort. Now it is time to let that experience make me a stronger person, so I’m doing what I can do. :)