Shake IT Off

“And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart”

My heart has been the furthest from graceless. Grace meansĀ elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action. I want to feel like my hear has been beautifully formed. I know that his has been. I trust in that. I trust in the process of life. So, now, what are the steps to feeling like my heart has been beautifully formed?

I believe the most important step is said in the last line of the quote above. “So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart”. What exactly is it? For me… it: having a graceless heart when it comes to dealing with Trevor. I’ve been trying so hard, but it is time to just quit him cold turkey. I can’t handle having any part of him around me. Wether that is me being silly and trying to interact with him, or still having the cards from him on my wall. It is time to gracefully accept what is, and restart.

Restarting is difficult, but certainly not impossible. I have already restarted in the way I do my daily routine. I workout, eat better, and hangout with good friends. Now it is time to restart how I communicate with Trevor, and by that I mean it is to not talk to him. I feel like my best way to accomplish this goal is to not speak of him, as that brings out too many emotions and digs me into a place of frustration. So, I’m gonna restart, and cut it out. Maybe my acting class will pay off. Time to act like I never met him. Not forget, as he was a huge influence on my life, but just act like I never met him. For the time being. My first goal is to not bring up Trevor and to not contact him for a month. It takes about a month to start a new habit, so I believe if I can make it a month I Ā make it forever. It is time to cut out my behavior, and picking tonight to restart will help me do so.

So, I shall now accomplish these goals by pushing the restart button in my mind, which will allow my hear to be graceful.

Finding Peace

” May you feel safe. May you feel strong. May you feel content. May you feel at ease”

Last week during yoga my teacher told us to pick someone who we wanted to dedicated the above quote towards. I chose my brother because prior to coming to yoga we got in a pretty heated argument. He did something that hurt my feelings, and then I over reacted. I left to yoga class after telling my brother I was not going to talk to him for a week. So, feeling guilty i dedicated the quote to my brother.

Now this coming week the quote has stuck with me. It just keeps running through my head. I think it is because this quote summarizes my break up.

Now many would be very quick to argue that I do not feel this way towards Trevor. ( I’m just going to call him by his name because EX has such a bad stigma attached to it. :P) I have done a lot of not so cool things, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I know that if someone did these things to me I would never wish to speak to them again, so I get that he wants to be left alone. It is important to me that he feels respected, and sadly I haven’t really been following my own personal values due to so much emotion.

I feel like break ups involve so much anger. so much anger. Too much to be able to wrap your head around it. I feel like there are all these puzzle pieces that are just waiting to be put together, but just aren’t able to unless you give them time. ya know? Both people want this puzzle to be solved. However, everyone starts to solve a puzzle in a different way, and I think that is where the drama comes in. The other person gets frustrated because they aren’t wanting to approach solving the puzzle in the same way.

I know I personally get frustrated when the other person isn’t wanting to solve it the same way. Trevor likes to have some space, and I’m all for that. However, I would like there to be some peace and then space, and he is the exact opposite. And my logical mind respects that. One of my weaknesses is I’m a massive control freak. I feel the need to be in control of the situation. So, when Trevor goes off and tries to ignore I panic, and do something stupid so I can get control back. This just makes everything 1000xxxxxxxx worse. Right?

So, I think it is important for me to keep working on using the more logical side of my brain. Because the logical side of my brain is able to benefit from the quote my yoga teacher sad. My actions are because I want Trevor to feel safe, strong, content, and at ease. I want to be able to help him with the stress that life brings him, as it is a hard transition going from caring for someone as hard as you can for 9 months to not at all. I feel like a parent that just sent their child off to college, and wants to know everything that is going on with them. I cannot control the situation as much as I would like to try to, and so it is time to let myself be vulnerable to the emotions that come along with just letting someone go.

Trevor isn’t going to be able to feel safe, strong, content, and at ease with a crazy ex trying to run his life still. And it is time to be to accept that because I want nothing more than that. As painful as it is to not be the one to be there for him I know he want will finally be able to be at ease without me. Some days with be hard for him. Some days will be hard for me. It isn’t like we don’t care about one another.. we just gotta do it at a distance. at least for a good length of time. just gotta trust that it will all work out, and let it go.

so, Trevor. as my yoga teacher says “May you feel safe. May you feel strong. May you feel content. May you feel at ease” . I know things are pretty rough right now, and I know I played a huge part in that. I wish I could go back in time and change my actions, so you did not have to say I played a part in causing you to feel this hopeless. All I wanted was for you to always feel hopeful, but I simply just did not know how to do so. I’ve always told you that I’m here and just a phone call away. That will hold true forever. Not matter what happens… even if we don’t talk to years. I simply wish you the best in everything that you do. Never give up, and know that everything is going to be ok even when everything is not ok. So, Goodbye it is for now, as goodbye equals peace.

ps. Thank-you for everything you taught me the last 9 months. You taught me what it is like to love someone. You taught me that no matter how big of a hole you create you can get out of it. You taught me what it means to be kind, and the consequences of be cruel. You taught me to love myself. ETC.

Even the wrong words seem to raise.

It is a rough transition to go from having someone as your best friend/ boyfriend to someone who won’t reply to a simple text.

This leads to a great amount of frustration. I know I have said some not nice things to my ex, and for that I’am sorry. There is no excuse in the world to send such a horrific messaged to someone with the intent of hurting them. This is a result of trying so hard to make things right, and failing. At least that is how I feel. I’ll try to apologize, or be nice like try to return his clothes or something. Then my ex doesn’t acknowledge me, which caused the frustration. Then I lash out, which of course does not help the situation.

However, I’m human. I fuck up. A lot. So, I wish he could understand that. Maybe one day….

Until then I’ll be starting my new job/ working out, and working on better myself everyday.

Does it ever end?

Break ups never end. I still feel like I am in the middle of a break up even though I broke up with him weeks ago. There is still a lot of emotion bad, and good.

On Tuesday I decided I missed having a sex life while at a movie with my friend Aaron, so I decided to pull the ” i’m going to the bathroom” trick and left. My ex and I met up and had sex. I didn’t tell him that I ditched someone at the movies because I didn’t want him to think I was still all over him. Mostly because I am pretty much over him. I’m just not over not having a sex life. ;) Jk. I don’t think I ever want to share my body with anyone. Too scary considering they could end up being an ass and fuck up your head for a block of time. It’s scary that I let one person control my mind so much.

Anyways, I told a friend that I ditched a guy to fuck my ex. She decided to later contact my ex and chew him out for being a bad influence. He didn’t even know that I ditched a guy to have sex with him. *sigh Long story short a lot of drama blossomed from that unfortunately. The girl I thought I was friends with for 12 years posted a status about hating me on Facebook. Glad I’m Facebook officially hated. Not. So, instead of just you know loosing my ex boyfriend I lost my friend of 12 years.

Fortunately my friend Tyler has been there for me through all of this. When I told him about the recent drama he just reminded me of how we talked about the whole concept of just not caring. And honestly. I don’t care. I don’t care that my old best friend hates me. I don’t care that my ex and I broke up. I believe it is all meant to be, and I’m a lot happier with not caring. This is not how I would have planned for things to happen, but it is what is it. I cannot control everything, but I can control my behavior.

All I can do is focus on the good healthy friendships I have, and focus on all the other good in the world. There is a lot of it. :)

(I’m happy to say I haven’t smoked for a week, and I’ve been working on daily. )

zombie mode to human mode

I still just do not know how to feel.

I’m kind of in zombie mode I guess. I just put aside my feelings as much as possible, and focus on what is happening around me. There are moments throughout the day thought that my zombie mode stops, and then my emotions are a little on the confusing side.

I wish people could understand that I still care about the well being of me ex, and do not want to hurt him on purpose. He has done a lot for me the last nine months, so for that I respect him. My feelings are kind of based off how he is feelings. If he doesn’t want to talk, then I learn to accept it and don’t talk. Whatever is the best for him will be the best for me in regards to our relationship… if there is even a relationship. While I was dating him I was always protective of him. If anyone talked poorly about him, I was quick to defend him. If anything was threatening to his emotional or psychical well being, I would try my best to be there for him. Through this break up I will still be protective over him no matter what is said or done. So, that being said it is frustrating when people talk shit about him to me, or want to confront him about our problems. I’d rather have people talk shit about me, as it is much harder to listen to people talk shit about him. He deserves the best, and I wish I was able to give that to him.

So, for the time being I can focus on being the best I can be. I’ve been trying to cope by attending yoga class, exercising at the local gym, and hanging out with friends. Music also helps a lot. Being in the hospital not once, but twice was a big wake up call when it comes to I need to take better care of myself, which sadly I needed. I received so much support and comfort from the staff. It was great, and I will never forget any of them. I’m scared to take of my bracelet they gave me because it just gives me comfort. Now it is time to let that experience make me a stronger person, so I’m doing what I can do. :)

I’m getting a little bit stronger.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk

This song could not explain how I feel right now any better.

Here is a copy of a text I sent to someone to explain what has been going on:

“Monday at like 2 am my ex and I got in a nasty fight over text. I freaked, and posted on Facebook I want to kill myself. Friend showed up at my house telling my parents. I wasn’t home so everyone went crazy. Finally I told ny mom were I was and I was fine by then. She made me go into the hospital to be evaluated. Then yesterday My mom shoved me so that was suckish, and then that my dad started pushing me around last night. I went into total panic he wouldn’t let me leave the room, so I called 911 said I was suicidal, so I could get away.”

I will always have a special place for him in my heart, and always be a phone call away. However, I’m moving on as it is the best for me. Weirdest feeling ever to move on….

Trigger has been pulled.

I feel like a gun.

First you load the gun.

Second you prepare to shoot it.

Then you pull the trigger.

More and more emotions have been loaded on to my soul.

Enough emotions that if something happens I’ll be a mess.

Well, something did happen. And now my trigger has been pulled.

Fortunately. I’m perfectly find with that. It felt good to let loose for a second, and now I’m A ok.

Diagnosis: broke up with boyfriend

I don’t know how I feel.

I’m single. Single is the opposite of being in a relationship. For me it is the opposite of being in a nine month relationship. A relationship is suppose to bring you up not down. A relationship is suppose to be about commitment. A relationship is suppose to be about trust. A relationship is suppose to be so many fucking god damn things, and when it is not they end. They end with misery.

Wether you choose to face your feelings or not there is misery. One can pretend nothing ever happened, act what society assumes is strong in front of their peers, one can hold back all tears, and pretend everything is ok with their ex. Reality is something did happen. Reality is you do not feel strong. Reality is you cannot hold back the tears when you are not surrounded by people. Reality is everything is not ok with your ex.

Some people decided to deal with reality when it finally sinks in with drugs. Others go to alcohol. And, well, what I’ve been know to do, which is self harm. All of these options are so easy to do especially after something traumatic takes place. Choosing either is not a sign of weakness. They are just poor decisions in the long run that will affect your life wether you want to admit it or not. Normally these decisions happen when one thinks it is not ok to feel not ok.

However, it is ok to not feel ok. We are all human. We all have our days. Days of misery… days of pain… and days of breaking up. It is completely normal to not be ok after such an event takes place.

So, that being said it is ok that I started writing this blog with tears running down my face. I have the right as the human to be sad after one of my fantasies has ended.

I just have to realize and remind myself it is ok not to be ok…. because right now I’m still in shock and just want to let everything be frozen. I want time to freeze. I want actions to freeze. I want my feelings to freeze.

Just let me be alone in the sadness, and work out my emotions.

Forgetful

I honestly just forgot that I made a blog. Whoops.

Things have been kinda rough lately, so I have been thinking about an outlet and then I remembered I have a blog. XD

I recently have gone back to self harming, and now I’m kind of in to weed.

I had gone months and months without hurting myself, but the last few weeks have just been overwhelming. I started smoking weed months ago, and lately I have gotten more in to it. I like how it solves all my problems for it. Weed and cutting let me relax, which is something I’m not good at. At all.

School has been a huge influence on my mood. It adds so much stress, as I feel like I have to make everybody else happy with my grades. The pressure ends up being too much, so I give up and then drop my classes. I dropped my sociology class today, which was a scary thing to do. The last thing I want to do is disappoint anyone.. myself included. However, as a person right now I can barely handle anything in my mental state and something needed to be done before I become more of a mess. As soon as I pushed the button that says drop class I felt a huge relief. So, I think things will be better now in the school part of my life.

Everything else is going decently. My situation at home seems to be a lot better, as I’m not spending as much time at home. Most of my time is spend with my boyfriend, Trevor. I think my time with him needs to be cut cuz I’m so dependent on the kid. The second I’m not with him or he takes a while to reply I start feeling anxious. My friend persuaded me to dump him, and that was the worst decision of my life. She did it cuz she wanted in my pants. lol. Fortunately I got my man back. ;) It really fucked things up breaking up with him, but things are continuing to get better with him. I was such a wreck when I broke up with him. I cried so much for myself, and then I felt really bad for doing that to him.

He deserves the best, and that night I totally felt as though he deserved better than me. He always tries his best to be there for me, and I could just go on and on about how great he is. I’m obsessed with him. Like everything about him is perfect. His looks are like model status, great work ethic, great at sex ( most important jk), and the list never ends of reasons why he is so great. So, that being said I’m glad he is still mine, and he shall be forever.

So, that is that. The update on my crazy/weird life.

Pranksters

My boyfriend helped me study for a test. How sweet of him,right? However, on the back of one of my flash cards about the black hawk war he wrote something about a guy blowing up planets. I think that’s what it was. Ha.

After the test I told him it went well, and that I felt I explained how native Americans were blowing up native Americans very well. He was stunned. After a few minutes passed he said he wrote it as a joke on my flash card, and thought I would have picked up on it.

I’ve been saying I’m going to fail the test now, and my friend helped me harassed him about it some more. I even wrote a status on Facebook complaining about what he did.

Truth is I knew it was a joke this entire time. I find it hilarious he thinks I’m that stupid. He even told a friend about how retarted I am. Lol.

So, it is time for him to know I’m not really that stupid. I just messaged him saying so, I haven’t been completely honest with you. Now I just wait a while, and let him suffer then I’ll tell him I didn’t really screw up my test.

Yes, I know. I’m a bitch. Ha.